Not sure if I'm supposed to still be blogging. But I did not want to lose this particular arising.
Paul talked about how it's the first day, and that we have not had the chance to get sore and uncomfortable yet. Rather, it's a time for the issues to arise. What is foremost in the mind? He encouraged us that there is no right or wrong here. Just what is. Allow it!
Of course I'm rather obsessed with understanding the interpreter on Saturday. This one-pointed obsession is a reminder of my first Sesshins. Amazing how the Universe decided to allow another more advanced repeat of old habits.
I feel scared and angry at the same time. It's set, and its in motion. Not much I can do to change the course of things. No backing out. No safety net to guard against failure. So, I am looking. Being aware. Per Paul's admonition, I will allow this to be seen and felt as the week goes by. The task is to give my best effort and knowing that I and others involved are all giving their best effort, to move forward with the very real possibility that this form will not work. I may not be able to comprehend much of the interpreter's signing. There is a mystery up ahead. It's not the fun kind I would normally choose for myself - but I can see the opportunity it presents.
What will happen as the week progresses? The energy of this fear and anger? The loss of control that will be the food for the day? I find I want to succeed for both myself, and for others. The Community. The future of Deaf people at Zen Center. To spare any shame I might bring on my teacher. Many reasons there, that I do not want to fail. Flipping that over. It is what it is. I am taking it on faith that one can go into a thing like this, ready to accept failure, yet still giving the best effort!
Guess this will make a good Dharma talk some day...
Back to the Zendo!